demo #17: suicide

in completing this track, i have now filled up both sides of a 100-minute tape and have therefore completed my first demo. as mentioned last week, the topic of the final track is suicide - following the character that felt unheard.

i guess that the character must have committed suicide in a wave of hopelessness, but i've kept a distance from the character and instead decided to insult it for being defeatist. the song is meant to broadcast a type of dark humour that people will either appreciate or condemn.

like the last track, this track was written out in the old house and slowly appended to until i felt it was complete. i even had the piano part notated, properly, in my notes. recording the final piano parts meant sneaking into my sister's room again; as it was christmas holidays, and she was going to be home all week, i finally just asked her if i could use her keyboard, and while she initially made a fit, my parents eventually made her let me use it. that was unexpected all around - she thought she was going to get me in trouble, but was instead forced to share. i told her that it would only take a few minutes because it was scored, and i was right.

i've incorporated parts of the kurt cobain suicide note into the track. the reason i did this was to incorporate the aesthetic of reading a suicide note into the song; i could have picked some other suicide note, it was the aesthetic of the note that was important and not the author or contents of the note itself, but i went with this one because it's recognizable. it also serves to obfuscate the messaging by adding another layer onto it. it can be interpreted or ignored, at your own choosing.


that really takes me to the end of a long demo tape. what am i going to do with these demos? a lot of them are written as rough ideas. the initial intent was to get ideas down to show to a drummer, but that idea seems impossible. are they good enough to send anywhere? well, i could try, right...

i heard that my aunt knows the new bassist for hole, melissa auf der maur. i don't know what concrete advantage giving her a tape may accomplish, but maybe it might land in interesting hands if she gets a demo. or maybe not. but maybe. so, maybe i'll send her a copy to listen to.

otherwise, i don't know what else to do with these demos besides listen to them. so, i think i'm going to take a few days to do just that.

maybe i'll make some liner notes or something when i send the tape out...

superman's dead?

well, i start my christmas holidays today. i want to finish the demo up first, and then i think i want to take some time away from the recording room. maybe my parents are right, maybe i do spend too much time down there. maybe i'd benefit from doing a little more reading. i might change my mind....

have you noticed that there's a new our lady peace single out? it's everywhere.

it's a little poppy, but it's also kind of dark in it's theme. what's he getting at there? the death of noble ideas? the end of the noblesse oblige? while a little more polished around the edges, it's not that far removed from the sound they explored on the second side of their first record. i do kind of hope that the rest of the record is a little less glossy, though.

a little worried about the math exam

i think i've mentioned here that my math class had absolutely no instruction in it, and i think in the end that that may have been a poor fit for me, academically.

he gave us the choice between handing in very long weekly assignments as a portion of the grade, or just having the final count for the entire grade. i do well on finals, so i saw this as a useful fallback from the start. then i just flat out forgot to do the first assignment, i guess i was distracted by other things, so i decided almost immediately that i had no choice but to cut my losses and just go for the final. once that decision had been made, the way i saw it was that if i was going to have to read through the text myself anyways, then i'd might as well put it off to the end of the semester and read it all at once. it seems like it took a little longer than i thought it would; i didn't really get to the last chapter. this would not have happened if i was in a class with instruction, as i would have followed along with the teacher in class and then done well on the final with minimal studying. yet, i should also admit that it would not have happened had i started studying a day or two earlier. nonetheless, i guess i just did not have the interest in the topic (grade 10 math) that is required to succeed in a class without instruction.

i did well on the stuff i knew how to do, but that was only about 80% of the test. that means i need to prepare myself for a B in math, which is something that nobody expects from me. on the up side, i suppose it means i'll go back to a class with instruction for next year, which i probably need to keep my attention focused.

a B in math is terrible for me, but i'm expected to get Bs in french and i think that's what i managed to get this semester. i should get a good mark in exploratory, because i can drop the F in pointilism and just average the As in computer science and design. as for english, i don't know - he gave me a good mark on the midterm, but i get the impression that he doesn't think i belong in the enriched class and i kind of have the expectation that he'll B+ me. that would again be an unexpectedly low mark for me, but i'm bracing for it.

demo #16: viewless

i became aware, this week, that my 100 minute master tape was getting close to full. this is just a tape that i've been dubbing demos on to since i started. if it's getting full, i guess i'm finishing a demo. if i'm finishing a demo, why not put a big epic part on the end?

my pile of written music had two musical frameworks left in it, and in fact these were two of the more intricately written parts, including notated overdubs - i had put off the most complex pieces until i understood what i was doing. i decided that i could put them together into a large ending catastrophe, with a plotline. the first one could be about somebody who is feeling unheard, and the second being about that person committing suicide.

i wrote the core of the music for the first part in the old house. it began with the guitar solo in the middle, and largely as a distraction when i was teaching myself how to play some parts from siamese dream. i distinctly remember putting the tab book for siamese dream down and picking up a piece of paper to write out the new tune i was jamming on. the song slowly grew around the guitar solo, developing many extra parts. i would add to the tablature score from time to time, when i was sure that a part had been permanently added. i've kept fairly close to the score in this construction.

the vocals have been adapted from an idea that i had written out at the old house, which was initially to try and animate a point of view for the victims of colonialism. i've adapted the idea by splicing it with the perspectives of somebody feeling unheard, to the point of entering a crisis point. you can still interpret it in the initial sense, if you desire, by interpreting my voice as that of the unheard, but do recognize that i've also consciously modified the intended context.

recording this track properly required me to make better use of the equipment in the studio, including using live mics on the amp distortion rather than just lining the guitars and basses in.




i decided that i had time to complete this track this week, and then study for the exams when it's done. see, i think it makes more sense to record first and then study because then i don't have to focus on remembering what i studied through the recording. if i wait and study after i'm done recording, like i did, then i'll be more focused and it will be fresher. i should have time to finish the other track after exams are finished, on thursday. i have two on wednesday, and one on thursday afternoon.

final thoughts on the grapes of wrath

so, i handed in my essay today - handwritten - and at the end of the class, i asked the teacher why he insisted i read this text. it seemed to me that it was promoting the same kinds of views that he was critical of in animal farm.

"i wouldn't agree with that characterization of the text."
"isn't it universal?"
"it's standard, but i think it's wrong."
"how so?"
"well, you'll notice that steinbeck makes heavy use of religious imagery, and is always quick to tie the struggles of the migrant workers to their sins."
"i think i decided early on in the text that this was just character development, and that the narrative harboured an underlying criticism of this thinking as....simple."
"i think it's very heavy-handed, myself. so, you see, there's a very conservative reading of the text, too."
"and all that stuff about collective ownership of property?"
"sure. that's fine. did you notice that he argues that men are worth less than livestock? that's a very old conservative argument."
"i guess this is a catholic school...."
"bingo."
"dude. is this scripted?"
"enjoy your holidays."

"actually, come back, because that's not the reason i assigned you the text."

i had to shuffle my bag a little in turning sideways. he walks towards me.

"i've noticed that you tend to make a liberal use of southern slang when you intend to mock something. that's something that you really ought to grow out of. i thought the text might make you think a little bit about that. did it?"

"well, it didn't help in breaking down stereotypes. i think maybe i see that there are larger forces at play."

"enjoy your holidays."

i still have exams to write next week, but classes are basically done for the semester. english, you can't study for. i read all of the books. for french, i'll need to spend some time practicing verb conjugation, but you can't really study for the comprehension part. i'm kind of a little behind in math, but i think i have time to catch up. and, there's no exam for the exploratory course.

finishing the grapes of wrath

upon finishing the text, i think my takeaway is that it should be viewed solely as an attempted historical reconstruction. the politics presented are meant to document those that existed amongst the migrant workers, and amongst the people the migrant workers met. if i was reading the text looking for some deep insight into the political forces that caused the migrants' struggle, it is because i fundamentally misunderstood the mandate of the text. if they themselves did not understand the causes of their struggles, how could the author demonstrate those causes and still narrate their story fairly, without mocking them?

in fact, there's some evidence of mocking. the fruit seems to make them sick, and they seem not to understand that the probable cause is that it's been sprayed. did that "medicine" kill grandpa? there's actually a lot of examples of this, but the narrative seems to be left choppy on purpose, to prevent intruding into their story.

if steinbeck were to delve into a deeper understanding of causes, he would have intellectually segregated himself from his characters, and literally lost the plot.

this may have been a part of the reason that the reverend was left underdeveloped. it seems clear that steinbeck wanted to use the reverend as a sounding board, but he was shut down early in the text. steinbeck scolds himself by pointing out how quiet the reverend has been, whenever he's reintroduced. then he takes him out of the story at a point where he could have been louder, only to reintroduce him in order to kill him off completely. but, see, there's a point where john says that he expects to see the reverend again - once again indicating that steinbeck intended to use this character to speak.

was the reverend silenced so as to not interfere with the story of the migrants? and, if so, is there an unedited version with deeper dialogue?

i would post the essay here, but he wants it done by hand. he says we'll spend enough time typing when we're older, and that we're still young enough that we should be practicing handwriting.

demo #15 - permission

this is a new song that i wrote this week, after being told i should be studying instead of recording. i think i can determine my own schedule, thank you. i mean, i appreciate the concern, but i'm on top of it, it's fine. i'm really more frustrated by the kid gloves, and reacting by mocking the concern - it's really more of a twisted joke than a denunciation of authority.

i've never been a very rebellious kid. no, honestly, i haven't been. i've gotten in my share of trouble, but it's never been out of rebellion. i'm more of a practical joker that just likes to shit disturb and mess with people's heads, for the fun of it. i guess that in order to rebel against an authority, you first have to acknowledge the legitimacy of that authority, and that's something that i've only ever done intellectually. when i've broken rules, it's always been that i've just sort of not cared that a rule exists and never to flaunt some rule maker. for me, it's really never a question of rebelling against authority because the mere idea of authority has always been clearly preposterous. if it's preposterous, it is right that it be ridiculed and laughed at and made fun of, right?

it is possible that i would rebel a little harder if i had stricter boundaries, but my parents have set boundaries for me that are wide enough to be almost inarguable. in the rare circumstances that they try to be authoritative, i almost always agree with them, anyways. so, i've spent most of my life interpreting authority as a set of rational, and at times obvious, suggestions to contemplate in making a decision.

when i was done, i brought my little sister in on backing vocals for the track, because i wanted to show the result to my parents - i thought that this would be comical, that they'd take the mocking lightheartedly. i decided against this, in the end.


well, now i do need to get to doing some school work. i have to finish reading the grapes of wrath by tomorrow, which should be easy, and then get to working on that essay, which needs to be done - by hand - by wednesday.

the middle section of the grapes of wrath

just as a reference point in the text, i've now finished up to the end of chapter 20, which is when the joads are being sent south - minus the grandparents, noah and connie. the main narrative seems to be that tom is running up against a hierarchical society that demands a level of submission that he finds difficult to accept, while the rest of the family is falling into a hopeless despair.

i should be taking notes for the essay. the theme about the lower classes in society feeling resentful over legitimately disrespectful treatment by the higher classes is something i want to pay closer attention to, as it could be an essay topic. i suspect that i could explore this theme historically, and then draw larger conclusions afterwards. it would give me an excuse to read up on some history texts, anyways, and an excuse to make the essay more speculative. i'm getting more freedom because i'm in the enriched class, and want to take advantage of it; i like freeform essay writing, but can't stand any attempt to force me to write an essay in a specific way. they want to treat an essay like it's a fill-in-the-blanks children's book, rather than the advancement of a thought.

listen: if you want me to give you my thoughts on a topic, just let me scrawl them out. i'll do your introductions and conclusions for you, i think that's a reasonable request, but let me go to town in the middle. don't try to structure my thoughts for me. no thank you.

so, i want to pick an exotic topic that allows me to write freely around the enforced restraints. i'll enjoy the process a lot more that way.

as the text has carried forwards, i find that the two narratives i spoke of have become less distinct in terms of analysis and historicity, with the narration getting more plot-driven and the dialogue getting more philosophical. i'm still finding that it's plot-heavy, but it's balancing out substantially.

another theme i could potentially explore would be the displacement caused by automation, whether it is worth it and what can be done to ease the hardship. the novel tends to prioritize a return to agrarianism, and seems to advance the idea that the fix to the problem is an agrarian collectivization. but it seems to me that the benefits of mechanization are very great and that the goal strived towards ought to be to find ways that everybody can benefit from it. i would resist the idea that the poverty is being caused by technology, and instead point towards an unfair distribution of the benefits of that technology. eventually, in the depression, the owners of the technology realized that they had to share, or they'd be overwhelmed. i guess the lesson we should learn for the next time is that when you have a shift in technology that leads to unemployment, a part of the profits of that superior technology must go towards the displaced workers - or they may become desperate and revolt. this sounds like another topic with a history that can be explored.

the character of the reverend struck me as important from the start, but as the novel carried on i started to wonder if it was just an expected part of a midwestern story. can't have a story about rednecks without a reverend, johnny? is that it? i think there's the start of some symbolism being built around the reverend, but he's either keeping the development for later or it isn't coming at all. there's several points in the text where steinbeck seems to be scolding himself for not using the character more, which indicates that the plans were there (they are....) but not necessarily that they're going to get carried out. i kind of suspected that the reverend was going to do something awful, and that would be a reflection of all of the faith leaving the society. knocking out the cop was a different twist, one that suggested some hope that the faith could be regained. but, i had higher hopes for the reverend. that's not what steinbeck was initially getting at. he could have represented something more abstract around the death of christianity - both in the migrant population and outside of it. maybe he still will, but i just get the intention that steinbeck is broadcasting that he's censoring himself, perhaps because he doesn't have the confidence to really write it down. he doesn't think that he can animate this character the way he wants, so he's avoiding it; still wants to do it, but later. i bet he bails on it, rather than finish it.

speaking of which, you can also tell that he dropped characters because he was bored with them. not connie; connie disappearing was a conscious plot development. but, the other dropped characters were just left at the side of the road. they could have been developed further; but, he didn't want to, so they were just dropped.

i have a better handle on what the text is now, and what it's trying to get across. i still wish it was heavier on analysis, but it has picked up in the middle and i don't expect that the end will pick up much more. i suppose that's another possible essay topic.

demo #14: mosh pit song

i spent a little bit of time with matt during the week. i kind of wasn't expecting the idea of the band to come back up, but he wanted to talk about it a little bit more so i kept an open mind about it. i brought a dubbed tape that i've been adding to along to show him some of the things i've been working on on my own, to see if he'd like to approach any of it. i also brought an unamped guitar just to jam.

he repeated the assertion that he was surprised by how slow the tempo was, and wanted to do something faster. he started talking about how he wanted to get the crowd excited so that they were all worked up and slam dancing, and then maybe send them out into the streets to start a revolution. he also came up with a band name, dukes of anarchy, and a logo that would look something like this:

"have you read the grapes of wrath?"
"no."
"i'm reading it for the independent study, and it's just kind of topical with what you're saying. wouldn't the end result just be chaos, though? people aimlessly breaking things?"
"yeah. yeah. that's the point."
"but then what?"
"then we get laid."
"k."

see, it might seem that i should be a little bit cautious about continuing to jam with this kid, but i know he's just trying to be "cool". he has this idealization of punk rock as being the in-crowd for freaks, and is talking in the ways he thinks he needs to talk to fit into this group. i've seen the media that has put these ideas into his head, too, and i think it's largely fantasy - that these nihilistic teens he's looking up to are really just a marketing invention, and the punk subculture is largely just a fashion trend. but, i also realize that he's actually approaching the punk subculture as a fashion trend, and the idea of inciting a riot as the hip thing to do. what that means, when you add it up, is that his rhetoric is reflective of a tactic to win acceptance in a group he's been told exists by media, and liable to modification relative to the actual realities around winning group acceptance. further, i like the idea of being involved in a political project - if maybe not on those exact terms. i decided quickly that we could talk about the riots after we've written some riot-inducing riffs.

we did not get a lot done, but i brought a number of riffs home with me and turned them into this week's song. the lyrics reflect the discussion i had with matt and are meant solely as placeholders, until he develops some to replace them, or i eventually do.


it's late; i should sleep. i need to get back to the steinbeck tomorrow afternoon.